The 2:00 AM Hillbilly Omelet – cooking with Hank

I Ain’t Drunk, I’m Just Tired” (The 2:00 AM Hillbilly Omelet)

Cooked by the light of the fridge and the flickering ghost of your dignity.

The Groceries

(Otherwise known as “The Suspects”)

• 2 Eggs: (4 if you’ve recently been ghosted or have a court date).
• Mystery Protein: Could be ham, could be a hot dog, could be that piece of jerky you found in your coat pocket. If it doesn’t have fur, it’s fair game.
• 1 Slice of “Yellow”: The kind of cheese that comes in a plastic wrapper and technically isn’t allowed to be called “food” in 14 countries.
• A Fistful of Spuds: Tater tots, hash browns, or just a potato you found under the passenger seat of the truck.
• A “Hush” of Milk: Just enough to make the eggs look less like a crime scene.
• Seasoning: Salt, pepper, and whatever dust is currently settling on the stove.
• Lube: Bacon grease from a coffee mug, or butter that’s been sitting out since the county fair.

Instructions

(Read aloud in a whisper so you don’t wake the dog or your conscience)

1. Ignite the Chaos: Crank the burner to “Incinerate.” If the smoke alarm doesn’t give a little chirp of concern, you aren’t trying hard enough.
2. Sacrifice the Meat: Toss the meat in. If it screams, scream back to establish dominance.
3. Assault the Potatoes: Add the tots. Mash them with a fork like you’re trying to bury a secret in the backyard.
4. The Great Cracking: Crack the eggs directly into the pan. If a whole half-shell falls in, that’s just “Hillbilly Croutons.” Adds a nice crunch to the existential dread.
5. The Baptism: Add the milk. We’re looking for a “vaguely yellow” color—somewhere between a school bus and a cautionary medical symptom.
6. The Veil of Silence: Lay the cheese slice on top. It’s like a funeral shroud for your mistakes. Watch it melt into the crevices of your poor decisions.
7. The Scramble: Stir it with a butter knife or a sturdy twig until it looks like something a stray cat would walk past, then reconsider.

Garnish (Choose Your Character)

• Hot Sauce: To ensure you feel the regret twice.
• Grape Jelly: If you’re truly “tired” and your internal compass is broken.
• Ranch Dressing: The official nectar of the hills.

The Ritual of Consumption

• Vessel: Do not use a plate. Eat it directly from the pan with the same fork you used to stir it.
• Stance: Leaning against the counter at a 45-degree angle. One hand on your hip, the other shaking slightly from the caffeine/adrenaline/shame cocktail in your veins.
• Ambiance: The only sound should be the hum of the freezer and the distant realization that you have to be at work in four hours.

Hillbilly Pro-Tip:  “If you can’t remember making it, the calories don’t legally count. That’s the Law of the Land.”

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